Healing Words: The Gray Area Between Empaths & Narcissists (A MUST READ!!)

The empath and the narcissist is a fatal attraction. We often hear about people talking about how they always end up in relationships with narcissists.

That’s not to say that ALL narcissists or “toxic” people are hopeless because anyone can change if they choose to. I firmly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to, and that includes self-improvement, self-awareness, and becoming an overall better person.

Ok, we all make mistakes, but don’t take it personal. Please acknowledge your wrongdoing or any character flaws. We all have flaws, whether major or minor, they are still flaws nonetheless. Once you acknowledge the issues you have, then you can take steps toward healing and improving, but you have to be real with yourself. I can’t stress that enough.


GETTING REAL

One of the most uncomfortable questions we must ask is:

“Why do I attract a certain type of person?”

“What is it about me that attracts these types of people?”

Here’s several reasons why that is…

1. Opposites Attract: You are the opposite of them, you have what they wish they had in themselves, so they try to take it from you without you realizing it. You are most likely considered an “empath.”

2. Like attracts like: You may be just like them, and it usually doesn’t last long. They know YOU KNOW the mind games they play because you do it as well whether consciously or unconsciously. Also, they know it won’t be easy to control you, or you may try to control them. It would be an issue of power dynamics as each one seeks to destroy the other. I don’t know why but this kind of reminds me of that movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

Now we’re getting to the nitty gritty with #3.

3. Mixture of Both: This one’s an interesting one, as it addresses the gray areas of it. We often just label people as “narcissists” or “empaths” without really delving deep into the shaded areas within these people, and what aspects draws them together. Both people have had past traumas, but overall they’re reactions to it are vastly different.

We will begin with the premise that all human beings are flawed, and we struggle with the tug of war of good vs evil. None of us are perfect. We’re all fighting an invisible battle within our minds daily. This life is like a psychological prison simulation where we must endure a lot of tribulations, and somehow manage to create our own oasis. In order to do this, we have to heal from our brokenness by becoming more aware of ourselves and our surroundings.

The Fatal Attraction

We tend to be attracted to what resonates with us spiritually. If you’ve been abused before, our relationships tend to be “trauma bonds,” which is the extension of our past abuse. That’s why some people find themselves in relationships that are just as toxic as the previous one, and it all dates back to childhood bonds. Self-awareness and psychoanalysis will help us see these patterns better, so that we don’t repeat the same cycle. You cannot heal from trauma if you continue finding new people with the same spirit.

We may resonate with the person who hurts us because we are familiar with it, or we have a desire to help them because we see ourselves in them. We tend to put ourselves in their shoes and think, “if only someone would’ve believed in me I’d show them my gratitude and cherish them,” but not everyone is like this. They don’t think your love is real because they were never shown that. We want to show them something that’s been denied of us because we want to express love, but they cannot accept it. They think it’s a weakness, and we understand this as a deep-rooted pain within them. When we see this, it makes us care even more deeply, but this is where it becomes dangerous.

The Empath’s Struggle Breeds Good Character

Although, an empath tends to have
benevolent intentions, they too may feel negative, or may exhibit toxic behavior if they are unaware of their unresolved trauma. In their heart of hearts, they want to do good, but when broken, they may act out of character. This is usually temporary because they do not enjoy hurting others. What makes empaths better people is that even when they do make mistakes and go through tough times, they still take accountability, feel remorse, and take the initiative to improvement. Being an empath doesn’t mean you are a perfect little angel that does no wrong, it simply means that you actually have a good heart despite life’s struggles, and you seek to change for the better.

Even though, you could use your childhood abuse as an excuse to be a scumbag as an adult, the empath is not inclined to do so. They never want to become like their abusers because it hurts more to hurt others than to be the recipient of it. Also, they feel pain very deeply even if it’s not theirs. This makes them want to become better people, and help others who’ve been through the same predicament.

Narcissists Block Their Own Blessings

Narcissists tend to gain pleasure from hurting others because they themselves have been hurt. They think that they’ll get their power back by hurting others. This is the cowardly path. Their growth is stagnant because they refuse to acknowledge their flaws. They tend to be perfectionists, so they’re fixated on their appearance and how others perceive them. Rather than being real with themselves about their flaws, they’d rather hide it, and point the finger at another person. They’d rather emphasize other people’s problems than to acknowledge their own. This in turn, makes them worse people even though it really doesn’t have to be that way.

They have a very hard time with constructive criticism because they view it as an attack. You can give them the most honest feedback, and say it the nicest way possible, they will still get very upset with you. Their pride also gets in the way of self-improvement. In order for them to change, they have to want it very badly. They must desire it. This pattern can be broken if they choose to heal.

FREE VERSE TIME:
“THE GRAY AREA AS OUR REFLECTION”

Here’s a free verse, some poetic prose to illustrate the gray areas, and the different facets of what brings these two together. This is written in the perspective of the empath expressing their frustration to the narcissist.

“When I look into your eyes I see a reflection of myself,
And that’s why it was easy to love you.

I loved you because I saw the pain in you, the same pain that I had growing up.
We’re both broken.
We didn’t feel loved, so we thought no one else would.

After they hear the tragic stories of our upbringing and environment, it makes the normal individual with a secure attachment flee. That’s because they can’t relate with the level of pain and sense of worthlessness that we’ve felt.

I once thought that only you could truly understand my pain,
And that we could rise above it together,
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, and we empaths get burned.

What brought me to you was the similarities we have despite being on different ends of the spectrum.
I wasn’t too far from being a narcissist because abuse can make you do things that are out of your character.

Just like you, I’ve felt empty too. So empty that I was desperately looking for a remedy.

I stumbled a few times, as I realized that it isn’t in me to hurt others even if it was unintentional.

Either I get burned, or I burn others because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

This made me avoidant because I’d rather remove myself than to cause emotional harm, but you actually enjoy hurting others.

That’s one thing I don’t agree with, yet I try to comprehend because I know that you know what my pain feels like.

It seems like it’s only you who can relate because you cannot live without me even though I am merely just a supply source for you.
You can never truly love someone when you view affection as insatiable supply.

We both have been yearning for affection, but the difference is that we don’t get pleasure from using those who were genuine with us.

At one point, I tried to avoid love, distance myself, or push people away, but to consciously manipulate to get your way, purposely mistreat, lie, deceive, then discard them is something I cannot wrap my head around.

On top of that, you project your insecurities unto them, and convince them that they are always at fault. Then, laugh at it because we were not aware of this mind game you love to play.

Is that laughter even real? Or are you laughing to keep from crying because God forbid the world sees your weaknesses?

When you laugh at other people’s pain, do you really feel good about it? Or is that a coping mechanism for you to hide your stealthy tears?

Does it give you a sense of power that you have rejected them because you fear that they’ll reject you? Or that they will figure you out and expose you?

My desire to understand you can be dangerous, which is why we must stay away from each other.
Otherwise we’ll both be destroyed.
All because we didn’t know how to love ourselves enough to accept reality for what it is, and make the right moves.

Even though I consider myself an empath,
I feel that I resonate with you in the sense that we both have been broken from a young age, and it feels like no one could love us.

I once operated under darkness because a lot has been robbed from me.

So yeah, I loved you because you were my dark side.
I thought that by loving you that I could learn to love myself.
You are what I could’ve become.
That’s why I understand you so well.

I knew what it was like to have a void that can never be satisfied because our emptiness originated from something we can never get back.

Then, we grow up reacting to the injustice that was done to us, not realizing that those we hurt are the only ones who will ever love us.

This is a curse we must break.

I decided to leave the darkness because there’s nothing there for us.

In my heart of hearts, I believed that you could overcome trauma the way that I did because I’m no different from the next person
.
We’re all imperfect beings seeking perfection that we can never reach.

Whenever I was hurt I operated under the narcissistic frequency, but it was very short-lived because it’s just not me.
I felt remorse instantly.

I’d rather serve for those who need poetic prose laced with wisdom, in order to make sense of this disorderly world.

I can’t even bring myself to seek meaningless hedonism because the heat of it is a prison, an unquenchable furnace that burns away our true identity as God’s anointed.

I’d like to believe that we all can join the healing movement because I care for humanity, but the nature of mankind is cruel and vicious without righteous guidance that is already within us.

We just have to find it, and I must give credit to God for putting it in us. This thing I’m talking about is known as the Holy Spirit.”

Please seek healing. For as long as you’re alive, it is never too late to overcome past traumas.

It can be done!

I wish you great peace.

Shalom

Published by Yasira Akamai

Writer. Poet. Artist. Lyricist. Born in December 16, 1995. I'm Mexican-American of Native American and Spanish descent. Southwestern US born -> Grew up in the Chicagoland area including Northwest Indiana (mostly East Chicago) -> moved to a warmer place. I've been writing since like around the late 2000s. Depression and anxiety was swallowing me and I had difficulty trusting others, so I decided to confide in writing. It started off as Spanish songwriting, then it evolved into English poetry, prose, and short stories the more I improved my English grammar and vocabulary. I once had to take ESL classes, until it was determined that I didn't need to anymore around middle school. I became so dedicated to writing that I just did it everyday, and it served as my daily therapy as I was battling with negative thoughts. It put my mind in a state of meditation where it opened me up to many ideas and inspiration that I lived to create. I began to notice that I could write and speak things into existence with my words and actions. I had to find myself, and search for the power of the mind. Blog posts written by the author (Yasira Akamai) are intellectual property that belongs to the original author.  ©2021 Yasira Akamai, Power_of_the_Mind_Blog

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