Back in my atheist days, I often told myself that if I was to ever go back to God IT WAS GONNA BE FOR REAL, and you better believe it is.

You already know!

Forgiveness is something that we all struggle with. I know I do. Not only when it comes to forgiving others, but also one’s self can be hard, but you have to realize that everyone’s gone through things and made mistakes. We all have some degree of character flaws. No one’s perfect, but that also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t hold ourselves accountable. No one likes to be wrong, and I get it, but the only good thing that can come outta that is by learning from it.

I have to admit that I am guilty of being judgemental and critical at times, but that’s because I wanted to hold myself to a higher standard. It was my way of pushing myself to do better for myself, and it indirectly spills over onto others. Some may admire it and feel inspired by it.. Others may not like it, or they may think I’m being too harsh. I just want everyone to experience true freedom, to not be controlled by their ego, emotions, and carnal urges. I’m a lot more harsher on myself than anyone else, and that’s a fact, so when I share this, I just want to present my own perspective along with motivation to do what’s right. I do this out of love because no one else will care about your growth, especially opportunists who wanna exploit you. Only YOU have the power to ascend and become an empowered individual.

Today, I found myself contemplating about how alluring the path of darkness looks when you come from a place of hopelessness. Though I may be critical, I’m this way because that is my way of pushing myself to NOT fall into those same traps, especially given the childhood traumas which can break the spirit to the point it becomes easier for the soul to become corrupted if remained unhealed. You see, it hurt me having to be so hard on myself, but that was the only way I could force myself to stay focused on the right path. It was a very difficult road. I still have a heart for those who can understand this level of pain and endurance. I may be critical, but I cannot be completely heartless because my empathy and resonance to these traumas makes me remember where I came from, and I spread this light to inspire you to rise.

I may not have fallen in too deep into the darkness, but there were moments where I’ve considered giving up on this path. Being good in an evil world can be exhausting. I think we’ve all hit those breaking points when we’ve been provoked to anger, especially when you have to live with “the cursed mark of sexual abuse.” Life just keeps beating your ass and you just wanna say FUCK IT! I know what that feels like. I think most people do. They just don’t show it. No sense in hiding when we know that all humans are flawed. The difference is in your DECISION MAKING. Wisdom is key, but so is a peace of mind. How the hell can you get wisdom when your mind is at constant war due to past traumas? I can sit up here and tell you to “go seek healing,” but healing is more complex than that. It requires so much discipline and determination that can be hard to cultivate in the first place. That’s why you’ve got to respect every individual who’s done that. I just realized recently that it is very rare for “broken people” like us to actually heal because most don’t choose to, or maybe their will has been weakened by the cruelty of this world. I don’t blame them in some aspects, but I also don’t excuse toxic behavior because I also don’t expect anyone to want to tolerate my toxic traits. That is why we heal and grow.

The reason why I hold compassion for certain people is because I could’ve ended up in the same predicaments as them. I know my flaws, and the severity of my past traumas nearly caused me to turn to the dark side. In the past, I may’ve exploded in anger, or have some psychotic splits where I get these crazy thoughts, but that all stemmed from years of being provoked and traumatized. Hitting the bag was my therapy.

I know what it feels like to contain these intense emotions and anger, and getting attacked from all angles. You keep doing the right thing, and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. This can break your spirit, and it’s easier for that to happen when you have childhood traumas to back that negativity up. This is why healing is hard, and it’s a tumultuous journey that takes an entire lifetime. Since it takes away that much time, some people simply cut their lifespans short by deleting themselves. Once a person has made up their mind about that, there’s nothing much we can do as much as it hurts to see people choosing that route. I don’t blame them because they must be going through high levels of pain, and they simply can’t take the constant flashbacks, nightmares, PTSD triggers, reminders of being broken, etc.

No one really knows what it feels like to be YOU, and that can really cause us to do harm to ourselves. This is where the vices come in to fill your emptiness up with nothing.

Still nothing.

No matter how much you drink, indulge, smoke, or eat nothing can erase the pain. Luckily, I’ve been able to evolve from drinking to writing and working out, but sometimes I still get those intrusive thoughts and nightmares every blue moon. I am thankful that I have replaced an unhealthy coping mechanism with a healthy one.

I don’t know how I got this far, but it took a lot of grit, discipline, and obedience to wisdom and believe me IT WAS NOT EASY. I had to deny my flesh and feed my spirit on a consistent basis no matter how much my body was craving the unhealthy things. I fought so hard with my mind to change its wiring, so that I don’t become a slave to pleasure seeking. That road will only lead to further emptiness, sorrow, and regret, but it’s hard to care about that when YOU WERE ALREADY FEELING EMPTY IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE!

Yeah. I know.

That’s why I say, this narrow path is a very difficult path, especially when people keep provoking you to go out of character, and even possibly go loco. It’s easy to snap when you’ve been broken down since the beginning of your life, only for these idiots to come into your vicinity to bring your energy down for no reason. It’s only a matter of time before a heart grows cold, and it can never return to what it once was. I was afraid of that happening to me. No matter how much pain I’ve had to endure, I refused to allow the devil to take away my empathy, kindness, and most importantly, my ability to love because love is my healing power. A cold person has to forget about love, and in doing so, they are relinquishing their ability to even love themselves. C’mon if you’re going to be evil, at least love yourself. They can’t because once they take things too far, it becomes hard for them to live with themselves.

Just allow God to do the judging, but I will continue to exercise my discernment and protect my own energy. We can judge to a certain extent, as long as it’s an accurate reading, and empathy is required to get the best readings on people, rather than going by worldly generalizations.

I used to have hatred in my heart, but I’ve been letting it go for a while now. It was a gradual process, but wisdom and my spiritual growth with God has helped me lighten these loads. I don’t see the point in harboring in hatred. I was like, “Man why am I carrying all this for? I got places to go. I can’t elevate with all this weight on me.” I wanted to experience better things in life. No one has the power to rob me of my peace, joy, and love. I was not about to allow my childhood abusers to ROB ME OF MY ABILITY TO LOVE. That’s one thing THEY WILL NEVER TAKE FROM ME!

I WIN!

I WILL ALWAYS WIN!
BECAUSE DAMMIT, I GOT NOTHING BUT LOVE IN ME RIGHT NOW AFTER ALL THAT BULLSHIT!

THAT’S WHY LOVE IS A SUPERPOWER. IT DESTROYS ALL EVIL BECAUSE A PERSON LOOKS STUPID TRYING TO ATTACK A GENUINELY LOVING PERSON.

I know I got a little passionate there, but I really wanna add emphasis to the power of love and letting go of all that hurt.

For those who have fallen into the wrong path and lost themselves a little bit, hopefully you can take heed to those warnings and follow the right signals back to the light. My best wish is for individuals like this to be able to forgive themselves, and start conversing with God through prayer. You may not feel worthy of speaking to Him, but Elohim has been missing you. While you’re over there concerned about all the crazy things you’ve done, probably a lot of stupid shit too, but if you are still breathing, and you genuinely wanna get right, don’t hesitate to reach out to God. No human being can do what God can do for you, so let’s not be codependent on others.

No human can heal you.

Not even me. I’m just a recovering broken woman that God just couldn’t leave alone, and I just happen to love writing.

No one can heal you, but we can encourage one another to begin this healing journey by spreading the light that survived the darkness.

I may be a harsh critic to some, but I will always have love for those who have gone through similar pain and traumas, and are suffering the aftermath of that. They may not be aware that they are loved from a distance, but my wish is that they will one day awaken to the truth, and regain their power back to finally be at peace. Though, I am proud of myself for the improvements I’ve made, I refuse to look down on ANYONE because you never know who’s that starseed among them. You’ll be surprised to see that the broken ones can end up wielding high amounts of power when they do heal. Allow God to restore you. Let go of the past, but that also means you better be FOR REAL this time by taking steps toward recovery.

Gloria a Yahawa que nos trai el agua.