Just like how onions make you cry as you slice and dice’em, same thing happens during the healing process, but it’s all worth it. The constant unraveling of layers makes that sorrow feel like it’s never-ending. This revisitation can make you feel hopeless, but don’t be discouraged. The more layers you peel off, the closer you’ll get to disintegrating that onion. The goal is to gain control of your emotions, and not allow the past to hijack your present moment. You don’t wanna keep reacting to things that are no longer happening. Let’s not give them that type of power. Instead, put your energy toward progression and elevation. There may be times when you feel numb or empty, and this can entice you to go back to old addictions and bad habits. It takes a tremendous amount of willpower to overcome this, but the more consistent you are, you’ll eventually be set free. You want to master your own mind by thoroughly understanding yourself which includes acknowledging your flaws and weaknesses. Accept and acknowledge the truth for what it is, so that you know what needs improvement and continue to move forward.

For these past months, I’ve been attending therapy sessions, and have been officially diagnosed with PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse trauma. I’ve been learning a lot, that which inspires insight. I never like to think that “I know everything” because that would rob me from ascertaining life-saving knowledge. I’m currently in the process of EMDR trauma therapy which has brought out some intense emotions, but it also gave me a sense of clarity from the very things that used to engulf me with rage and sorrow.

I noticed that my nervous system has slowly removed itself from that “flight or fight” mode when I recently had a nightmare where I woke up without anxiety. That has never happened before, so I see that as a huge milestone because normally I’d wake up with a panic attack. These sessions have given me more things to contemplate which has allowed me to detect and dissect my own behavior and thought processes. I feel that my body has been releasing more of that leftover emotional baggage I hadn’t dug out yet.

SELF-REFLECTION

It’s always helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

Why do I think the way I think?

How did I get to these conclusions?

What traumatic events have taken place that have caused me to think the way I think?

Are these thoughts productive/positive or destructive/negative?

What made me look at things this way?  What influenced this perspective? Is this really how I think?

Could it be the trauma that led to be think a certain way?

How can I shift my mind toward growth?

How can I turn this negative into a positive? Any creative hobbies that can help?

It’s becoming clearer now why I have thought the way I’ve thought before, and I’m able to forgive myself for my foolish ways of thinking. I feel like I have better discernment, so I can eliminate toxicity whenever those intrusive thoughts pop up. We can become toxic when we allow the pain of past traumas to linger deep into our subconscious mind to the point where we operate on “demonic autopilot” where you’re on kamikaze mode with no type of self-awareness whatsoever. We do NOT want that because that’s basically being left with a reprobate mind which leads to chronic bad decision-making which can lead to death. Self-destruction should never be an option, but Western society calls it being “free.” Most people have used their freewill to destroy themselves slowly due to unhealed traumas, lack of self-awareness, and as the Good Book puts it, “many are destroyed due to lack of knowledge.”

WRITING AS THE FIRST LAYER

The first layer of my healing would have to be my writing. Ever since the day I got into cathartic writing, I felt pieces of those traumas leaving me. It was like a superpower to release all pain and regain dominion over my own sense of self. I didn’t realize that this was a form of EMDR, as my therapist informed me, because of how intense this journaling would get. It got to the point where I would be typing with tear-filled eyes while feeling anxiety. My hands would shake as I would write, and I took all those emotions in because they were soon to be released from me forever. I would feel good afterwards because I’d mastered the art of using my creative passions to alchemize those disturbing thoughts and feelings into something powerful and uplifting. Discovering this gift was one of the most beautiful moments of my life because writing served as a form of life support that kept me alive all these years even during my darkest hours. Since I could never stop ruminating, I used that to fuel my desire to eradicate the darkness from overtaking my mind.

My wish is that you crack the code to unstoppable resilience.

RETRAUMATIZATION: ANOTHER LAYER

I like to think of this as another opportunity to revisit these traumatic memories with a newfound perspective. In reality, we can never forget what we’ve been through, but overtime we can shift the way we view it. It helps me when I look at it from a third-person point-of-view because I’m no longer in that position anymore. We’re not going to allow it to keep us in that constant state of emotional stagnation and arrested development. We will move forward in this life, and create new memories to replace the old. We will evolve because we have the power to change our own perspective as we mature and grow. This is a gradual process, so don’t be so hard on yourself if you still feel those negative feelings. It’s normal to be mad as hell about it, even if its been years. It’s OK to cry it out whenever you get hit with that wave of sorrow.

THE POWER OF CRYING

Crying is actually a sign of strength especially in Japanese culture. Don’t let anyone tell you different. It takes a lot of strength to release those long overdue tears. I don’t expect others to see it that way, so it’s best to do this in private whenever you feel like you have to.

Release all that pain that has been trapped within you.

Acknowledge it.

Feel the pain leave the body.

The best type of crying is when you cry with your chest. It sounds like you’re shouting. You’re forcing all that shit out, and it feels so satisfying to feel it leaving your body. It’s like vomiting emotionally. I guess that’s why they call it “purging” because it’s a form of cleansing.
Especially if it’s been bottled in for years, all because we thought that crying was a weakness. Crying is what will heal us because you’re releasing that emotional baggage energetically. The longer you let that tension fester in the body, the more likely you’ll fall into physical illness. Excessive cortisol in the bloodstream can negatively effect your innate immunity among other bodily functions. Yes, you can get sick for real if you continue to hold in that baggage. If you don’t wanna carry it, then what makes you think anyone else will? So it’s best to just let it all go. It serves you nothing. Time for a change of scenery. You have the power to recreate yourself and your reality, and you can make that happen when you start putting that work in. Always remember that you are worth investing in, and it all starts with you.

Is it even worth it?

Healing may be a life-long journey, but it’s worth it. It brings you steps closer to being able to experience joy and fulfillment, especially when you look back at how far you’ve come. In order to get there, you have to believe that you’re worth it regardless of what others think. The moment you start investing in yourself you’ll gradually start to notice changes. Your energy will be higher. You’ll feel more calm and at peace. Random people will even notice the glow you now have. All because you overcame so much, and it will show. I know because I’ve experienced this shift, and it made me fall in love with this healing journey, so you’re damn right it’s worth it.

There will be ups and downs, but it’s all part of the process. A painful memory might resurface out of nowhere. You may get tired of getting angry or crying about the same shit over and over again. That’s just you peeling the layers. Don’t deny how you feel. The more you try to run away from it, the more you’re delaying the healing process. Denying it prevents you from peeling off those layers, and you’re just letting that stench fester around you. Acknowledge it and release it. When this happens, it is important for you to have compassion for yourself. Don’t get mad at yourself for feeling these negative emotions, but whatever you do, don’t do anything stupid.

You have to accept those feelings, but don’t let it control you to the point you become impulsive. Allow the anger to be released in healthy ways like in fitness, weight lifting, or doing some boxing bag drills. You’re going to be too tired to be mad, I promise you, and you’ll feel good afterwards. On top of that, with all that anger you have stored within you, you’ll definitely end up in tip-top shape the more consistent you get with it. You’ll feel real good.

THE NEVER-ENDING HEALING JOURNEY

We’ve all heard about healing not being linear, but rather it’s a gradual process that fluctuates like a volatile stock. Bitcoin to be exact. Ha. Anyway, healing is something that some people tend to give up on or they neglect. Mainly because of the fact that it’s a lifelong journey, and who the hell wants to do that, right? Well, I can understand why some may feel that way. If you’re coming from a cynical and pessimistic worldview, it makes sense to just give up on life, and just be like, “fuck it!” Your negative perspective will keep you stuck there without ever realizing how beautiful life can be. How will you know if you never try to be consistent with it?

I challenge you to invest in yourself for at least one year, and see how much you’ll improve. Start with your physical health and fitness, and go from there. Sharpen your mind starting with improving your mental health. Also by cutting off toxic people from your life.

Hint: these are the people who don’t wanna see you grow and hate to see you happy! Oh and this can include family members too. Don’t be afraid to let go of people who are not encouraging or supporting your growth.

Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into going back to old bad habits. You need to stand firm on your decision to elevate. Go make God proud (whether or not you believe). Go love on yourself even if no one else does. You don’t need anyone to love you in order for you to love yourself. You been through too much hell as it is. Start investing in creating an oasis for yourself, and it all starts with you. Give yourself something to look forward to.