I would be lying to you if I said that I have it all together. I’m still a work in progress, and I’ll always be. This makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough, but I still remain determined to evolve as much as I can. I know where these negative thoughts come from. They are programs that have been implanted in my psyche. It’s because I’ve become so self-aware that I’m able to nip that shit in a bud, but it can still trigger me a bit. I won’t lie. This is another personal piece regarding my healing journey when I go through my lows. It can get dark, but I try to keep my eyes on the light. I will share with you how hard it is for individuals like us to keep our faith in God.

Maybe that relative was on to something when she told me at the age of 10, “How can you help others when you can’t even help yourself?” This was her response to when I said I wanted to be a therapist. Instead of encouraging you, some people prefer to bring you down for no reason. Now, I’m sitting back thinking, well damn I’ve made some decent progress over the years. More than I ever expected. I’m just thankful to not be an alcoholic right now even though the urge still comes to haunt me. That’s why I’m such a gym rat. You can read about my love for fitness in my other post, “Iron Power: My Health & Fitness Journey and Battle with my Mind.” Anyway, let’s get to why I kept running away from God. I wrote a part one previously, you can read that here.


NIHILISM & MENTAL BREAKDOWNS

I’m gonna be very real with you right here. Sometimes I feel like giving up on this narrow path, and just live a nihilistic and neutral life because that’s what numbness does to you. It can feel pointless and meaningless to exist in such a rigged reality. You may lose motivation overtime because of how hard you work to do the simplest of things, and others don’t see your efforts, so they’ll come up with their own faulty conclusions. And when they do see your greatness, they’ll gatekeep and blackball you out of jealousy, and try to sabotage you. You put in the work only to get the short end of the stick because it’s all about “who you know.” Life is not fair, so why even bother, right? Especially, when you have had so much stacked against you, and people have walked out on you.

Even when you’re trying to get closer to God, there will be those people who will try to discredit you despite the fact that you still have a good heart. You’ve taken accountability, and have started on your healing journey, but they don’t care to acknowledge the process. Yet they love to talk about it like they’ve been through it, and they’ll bring you down while you’re trying to pick yourself up. These modern day Pharisees type of people will make the lost children of God feel unworthy of His grace because they’ve been led astray. Of course we’re gonna be led astray. That’s what past traumas can do, and breaking generational curses is a very difficult task as it is. We are going to experience losses, hardships, and mental breakdowns from that. This world is already cold as it is, and empathy is only decreasing in these last days. Hell, even I feel like I’m losing it myself, but the huge difference is that I still have compassion for the real ones out there who do resonate and feel what I’m saying. I now practice selective empathy because there are too many devilish deceivers who will take advantage of your empathy. I will protect this by taking preventive measures to preserve the good qualities I still have left within me. I refuse to get robbed of my beautiful energy again.

I was once in a dark place that made drug addiction or alcoholism look alluring as a means to escape. I leaned more toward the bottle, and it was hard for me to believe that my efforts toward self-improvement wouldn’t be in vain. Escapism doesn’t always mean that we’re trying to “run away from our problems,” sometimes facing it won’t make a damn difference because there’s nothing we can do about it. Sometimes confronting it only makes us want to escape even more because that reality is something we can never change. Our minds have been wired in a way that disrupts our emotional regulation and perception of reality. Though, I may know how to mask my feelings, I can only hold it in so much for so long. The gym is an important place for me to release all anger and frustration. I’m still human, a broken one at that, but I’ve been recovering.

I ran away from God, and sometimes I still do because life is a constant battle that never ends and it can be very exhausting. I don’t even know why He put it in me to write what I write when all I get is misunderstood. Only a few people can relate and I guess that’s the intended audience. Well, either way I would like to thank every individual who feels comforted, convicted, motivated, and understood whenever they read my blog and poetry. Sometimes the best form of love you can give to a person is by letting them know that they are understood, even if its by a stranger from across the globe. I’m amazed by the diverse audience I have when I look at my stats. Thank you, by the way.


NOCTURNAL SPIRITUAL ATTACKS

At times I feel like my faith is dissipating because sometimes I feel like I don’t belong to God due to my cPTSD intrusive thoughts, nightmares, intense emotions, and spiritual attacks. The least I could say is that writing has been a form of cathartic release, and it’s been my way of connecting with my higher self or the Holy Spirit. However, all of that is not always permanent because certain things happen that remind me that I’m an imperfect human. No matter how much I pray, the demons do come back yet again. Spiritual warfare never ends on this Earthly battleground. Well at least I could say that I’m doing better now than I did 10 years ago.

However, just recently (about a couple a weeks ago) I had two nocturnal anxiety episodes that messed me up a bit.

#1. In the first one, I had a dream I fell down the floor. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I was dying or like having some sort of heart attack. I was losing consciousness as I was waking up from that dream, and I woke up with anxiety along with some demonic sleep paralysis just like the good ol’ days.

#2. Then, the next night, I had an even more disturbing supernatural encounter. I felt hands rubbing on my feet, and I looked to see no one was there. Then, it pulled my legs up, and my lower body was levitating. I saw a small dark swirl in front of me, and an invisible force was spreading my legs. I felt like I was about to get violated by a spirit. I couldn’t open my mouth to say anything, but I eventually woke up in time.

These episodes occurred right after I posted, “5 Ways to Increase Your Spiritual Energy.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a coincidence. I will continue to do what I do as a spiritual samurai scribe. The dark forces have no power over me for as long as God empowers me.


ON A POSITIVE NOTE

Besides fitness, the only thing that makes me feel alive is writing. I used to keep these notes private, but I felt compelled to share my thoughts with whoever can relate. I was already writing for years and years, so I mind as well share it if it means it can help someone in any way. Hopefully, it can encourage you to reach out to God even if you feel like your prayers aren’t being heard. Just focus on keeping yourself together and use that pain and frustration to summon the power within you. This is why I love weight lifting. It sounds just like it doesn’t it?

Your lane is vastly different from others, so don’t worry about what they’re doing. I learned to tune out those who were so committed to misunderstanding me regardless of how much I’d pour my heart out. Instead, I would direct that passionate energy into prayer or poetry. I don’t care what people think about me, especially if they never cared to understand my perspective. Most people would rather assume things about you even if its inaccurate. Their opinions are not always reality, so it makes no sense to give it your energy.

Those who don’t have the same childhood traumas will never get it unless they have empathy (which most people don’t). Trying to explain to them how we think and feel is like trying to explain to a rich person what it’s like to be broke. They never grew up in poverty, so they’ll never know how much work it takes to achieve upward social mobility. For the most part, such a person could never understand what we feel and what we had to go through. They have more options than we do, and they have the luxury to never have to face the problems we’ve faced.

You can’t expect them to understand, and that’s cool. Just don’t allow them to cause you to run away from God especially when we need Him the most, and if you’re skeptical about that then I don’t blame you. I’ve been there too. Even if your faith isn’t there, the best you can do is try to be a good human being. Running away from God is better than being evil, but hopefully one day you can get that divine experience first hand. I would like for you to be embraced by God’s love, and this is coming from an unqualified recovering broken woman who was once an agnostic/atheist. I never thought I would be writing stuff like this, but here I am, so anything’s possible.

Gloria a Yahawa que nos trai el agua.