It can feel like a knife went through you, after you’ve been used and abused, betrayed or lied to. Whatever the situation was for you, it was surely devastating. Heartbreak is something that we all have gone through at one point in our lives. The only good thing you can take from this is a life lesson learned. It is imperative that you analyze the situation through unbiased lens. Sometimes it’s their fault, your fault, or both. Either way, it hurts. However, I think that hurting another person hurts more than receiving it, but not everyone agrees with that.
For those who’ve caused the pain: The Heartbreaker
It usually takes a while for them to realize the severity of their actions. Some may or may not feel bad in the beginning, but generally, it hits them years later once they realize how good they could’ve had it. They may want to come back to that person’s life, but by then it’s too late. Once they get that epiphany, great sorrow comes upon them as they mature and gain more understanding. The pain is greater when they realize they’ve done a good person wrong, and it becomes hard for them to forgive themselves. The only thing they can do is learn from that experience, and make sure that it doesn’t happen again.
As for those who’ve been on the receiving end of pain: The Heartbroken
They tend to grieve early on as soon as the betrayal hits them like a ton of bricks. A part of them feels lost and gone. Emptiness takes over them as they’re trying to process the reality they find themselves in. They are left with plenty of unanswered questions, and no matter how much they try to make sense out of it they just can’t. A sense of heaviness comes upon them, and depression and anxiety may kick in. Anger incites bitterness to creep in especially if they’ve had a history of trauma already.
This blog is for you. We will be talking about how to reclaim your power, and how to get back into your rhythm of life after a devastating heartbreak. Let me tell you that you can definitely make it out of this. Not only make it, but you can exceedingly upgrade.
Disclaimer: Just so you know, I am not a psychologist or anything like that. I’m just a writer who is very interested in sharing my thoughts and insight regarding this topic. Life is our greatest teacher.
HOW TO GET THE RHYTHM OF YOUR LIFE BACK
Use the pain and sorrow as fuel to upgrade. I know it may be hard to get up from this, but we have to rewire our minds to convert the negativity into positivity. This is almost like an art form, and it is up to you to master this. Once you do, you will be unbreakable, especially if you’ve already gone though a lot already. Combine that heartbreak with all the pain from childhood trauma, and use it to propel you higher. All those people who did you wrong will one day be sorry for what they did. Even if they don’t feel remorse, they are cursed if they don’t have a conscience, therefore, their opinions are irrelevant. Their lack of remorse does not justify what they’ve done to you. They may not be mature enough to understand what they’ve done. Either way, they did what they did, and they are no longer important to you. Let them go, and use your pain to propel you!
Continue being productive. An idle mind will only bring you unnecessary hell, so stay busy. Whatever it is that you do: whether you’re taking college courses, studying, working, etc. Make sure that you feed your mind with knowledge. Keep learning new things everyday, so you can have meaningful concepts to meditate on. This can also help you make sense out of the mess you found yourself in. You’ll be able to find closure through attaining greater understanding for the human mind, and why people do what they do. This can also help you pin-point some weaknesses you may have.
One question that has helped me tremendously was, “What is it about me that attracts a certain type of man (usually a narcissist)?”
You have to ask yourself even more uncomfortable questions that may probe your mind into figuring things out. The purpose for this is to ensure that we never find ourselves in the same position, so that one day we can live a fulfilling and prosperous life with the right people in our lives.
Find your talents, gifts, and hobbies, and focus on that. This will keep your mind busy, so you won’t dwell on the negativity. If you don’t know what you’re good that, don’t worry! The journey can still begin by trying different activities. Don’t worry about being a master at something. We all start somewhere, and the whole point is to find something we enjoy doing. Once we do that, we work on improving ourselves with it each and every day. These activities include: Singing, writing, painting, drawing, cooking, gardening, arts, filmmaking, dancing, traveling, photography, music production, running, etc. You can go run a marathon if you want! The list of things you can get into is endless. How about playing instruments, sports, or get into combat sports (my personal favorite is boxing).
Personally, I’d like to highlight writing, running, and fitness boxing.
Writing: For over a decade, writing has served as a therapeutic cure for me. I cannot express to you how much it has damn near saved my life because writing has rewired my mind. it was a turbulent journey. I went from negative to positive. I evolved from aggressive pages of sorrow and gritty rage to soothing words of wisdom that uplifts. I found myself healing through poetic prose, and I felt more confident because I wrote those. How beautiful is that?
Running: I was already consistent with HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) since I was like 16 years old. When I was at my lowest about a couple years after that, I would increase the consistency. Discipline was never really an issue because I had so much adrenaline running through me. If I didn’t go out for a run I’d probably snap, so running was my drug. Thankfully, that kind of drug was a good one. I would anticipate that runner’s high. I loved putting on my headphones and running to some tunes, and just forget about the world around me. My mind would wander as I ran, and I felt a sense of encouragement that I would apply into every area of my life. Next thing you know, I was in great shape too, and that gave me even more confidence. It became hard for to me feel hatred for anyone because I was too content with myself, and I looked forward to improving myself in all areas.
Fitness Boxing Calisthenics & Weight Training: Again like I said earlier about that adrenaline, I had too much energy within me that needed to be released. My routine was insane! It got to a point where running wasn’t enough. In the weekday mornings, I took weight training in high-school, and this improved my muscle tone. I’m skinny, so this helped add some meat to my bones. I always walked home from school. That same day, I’d walk to the boxing gym nearby nearly every weekday afternoon. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. This added even more confidence as I was learning how to fight while shedding visceral fat and toning up at the same time. I learned and improved greatly on various calisthenics exercises. I got to a point where I was able to do clap push-ups. Then, I’d still go run at the track sometimes after school and consistently on the weekends. It wasn’t something that felt forced. It genuinely brought me joy.
The more you focus on self-improving the more confident you will be. Concentrate on building your body, mind, and spirit!
When the Heartbreaker is the Narcissist
Not all people who’ve broken heart are narcissists. So, in this section we’ll delve into the narcissist heartbreaker. As if heartbreak couldn’t be any worse! Oh, it’s much worse when a narcissist does it because they have absolutely no chill. Your pain is their thrill. They will leave you confused, and will blame you for it even if it’s not your fault. They will play mind games with you. When they do come back, it is only to hurt you even more, and they get a kick out of it. Right when they stabbed you on your back, they only come back to dig the knife even deeper. After convincing you that it’s “your fault”, they still expect you to beg them to come back. If you keep letting them back into your life it will only get worse, trust me. You have got to cut them off, and let them go for good.
Years can go by, and they still expect you to be on stand-by for them. It’s like they actually believe that you’ll never move on, or that you still “need” them. Despite the mental torture they put you through, they actually believe you cannot live without them. The best gift you can give them is a new version of yourself that will shut the door at their face with grace. They’re forgiven, but you don’t want to see their face again.
Acknowledge what they’ve done to you. They do not love you the way you thought they did. Just because you still love them doesn’t mean they ever will. They already have shown you, so you must acknowledge the truth. They may come back though, but not for good reasons. They will keep coming back for as long as you allow them back into your space. Once you can see through them, their gaslighting will no longer have any power over you.
Recognize that you’re worth more than that, but you won’t see that the longer to entertain them. Please cut the cord. Once you realize the pattern of this psychological abuse, you must cut it off. They have burned all bridges with you, so I say “let it burn.” The bridge they burned with you is not your fault. They did that, and you should not view it as a loss, but rather a blessing in disguise. They made it easier for you to get rid of them. They cannot cross over to you without that bridge to connect them to you. Please do not rebuild what is not meant to be. You’ve been through enough with this person, and they’ve shown you enough. Eventually, enough is enough.
Don’t expect closure nor an apology from them they will never give it to you because most of them are too prideful to admit their wrongdoings. They could care less if you’re suffering. Understand what they’ve done to you, and move on silently. Focus on yourself, seek knowledge, and extract wisdom from your bad experiences.
Even if they do eventually apologize to you, it’s hard to determine its validity given the source of where it’s coming from. You cannot trust someone who’s had an extensive history of doing you and others wrong. Sure, you can forgive them for the sake of your peace, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow them back into your life. Just make peace with it and move on gradually.
Therapy is recommended if you’d like to seek a mental health professional to help you get through certain situations in life.
Always take care of yourself no matter what!