“Can’t keep runnin’ Awaaay-Ayyy-Ayyy! Can’t keep runnin’ Awaaay-Ayyy-Ayyy!”

– The Pharcyde lyrics

My spiritual journey in seeking the truth has been a tumultuous one. I’ve been sent into various directions trying to find greater understanding of life and the Universe. It’s so much to talk about, so in this post I’ma mainly focus on this specific aspect when I kept running away from God.

1. I LOST FAITH IN HUMANITY

Within me, I’ve always felt like I was put on this Earth to do something significant, but I didn’t have the courage to do it at the time. I’d lost so much faith in humanity to the point I didn’t even want to bother sharing my thoughts and knowledge. I didn’t think anyone would care to read or listen. Most people would rather hear comforting lies than the truth. The only way we can get better is by being self-aware, and the truth is needed for that.

Upon witnessing much stupidity and lack of morals and integrity across the world, I felt like it was pointless to even try to help humanity. People will do whatever they want regardless of how it damages others. Most people never learn and that reality can be draining. Then, I realized that these words you’re reading right now are only meant for a select few, and you are probably one of them. All messages aren’t meant for everyone. Just like how we each have our own mailbox. We received the messages that are meant for us, so there’s no need to focus on the vast amount of people who will not comprehend it. I will do what I do to serve those who need the encouragement, and appreciate the information and authenticity I present. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber by the way.

2. I DIDN’T THINK I BELONGED TO GOD

This one is a big one for me. I was often outcasted throughout my life. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, so I learned to love my solitude. I was more of a loner. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the best experiences with some people who claimed to be of a certain religion. I’ve experienced moments where mean spirits would be agitated by my mere presence. You don’t have to do anything wrong for people to hate you. I never understood how someone could harbor so much hatred for a person they don’t even know, so much so that they’ll go out of their way to slander, gossip, abuse, gangstalk, bully, belittle, argue, or even try to get them eliminated. I’m not saying everyone who follows a religion or goes to church is like this, but we must be aware that there are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” and they can be very dangerous because they use their religion as a disguise to hide their malicious intent and evil ways. This fact is what causes people to lose faith.

We begin to think that God hates us because of how badly mankind has treated us, especially when they misuse the scriptures by justifying that abuse. This is a big reason why many of us become atheists. I was once one until divine intervention took place that restored my spirit and gave me an abundance of insight. I was apprehensive because I didn’t think I belonged to God, so I didn’t understand why He couldn’t just let me go. No matter how much life has beaten me down, I never stopped being loving and compassionate. The only difference now is that I’m much more stronger and wiser now.


3. I FELT LIKE GIVING UP ON MYSELF

As my faith dwindled, so did my drive. I was following a nihilistic perspective because I didn’t want to believe that those supernatural and paranormal experiences I had were even real. I thought I was losing my mind, and it made sense at the time because I was under a lot of mental oppression. The psychological probabilities state that people with childhood traumas like mine were meant to fail, so why even bother right? I didn’t care about anything because I didn’t feel anything. I was numb. I didn’t care about my future once upon a time because I expected it to be bleak anyway. I didn’t see myself ever getting out of that darkness. It just seemed like the darkness was meant for me. Depression is a real thing, but some people think it’s a joke. It’s no wonder why some of us end up just giving up.


4. I WAS CYNICAL, TRAUMATIZED, BROKEN, AND HATED BEING A WOMAN

Religious nuts love to misuse and cherry pick scripture to suit their agendas, bias, and deep-rooted prejudices rather than to enlighten and guide with empathy and grace. For example, some individuals have the tendency to MISUSE the Bible to belittle women and kill their aspirations. At that time I asked myself, “Why in the hell would I want to follow a religion that tells me I’m inferior? Why do some people believe that God doesn’t speak to women?”

That’s not what I heard because IF GOD WOULD’VE NEVER REACHED OUT TO ME DIRECTLY, I WOULD’VE SIMPLY THREW MY LIFE AWAY WITH THE HELP OF THE BOTTLE. I PROBABLY WOULDN’T BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW, NOR WOULD THESE WORDS EVEN EXIST. That’s real. At one point in my life, I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a few reasons, and one of them had to do with hating the fact that I was born a woman in a world where ravenous abusers will take advantage of the “weaker vessels.” Yes, I used to hate being a woman because childhood sexual abuse trauma was a constant reminder of how much I couldn’t fight’em off. I’d have constant nightmares about being too weak to defend myself. I hated being the weaker vessel because no matter what I’ll never be strong enough to protect myself against an evil man, so I didn’t want to live in this body anymore. Being born a woman felt like a curse to me because of how weak my body is compared to a man, and my mind was warped into thinking that most men were out to destroy me. I would ask, “Why did you make us the weaker vessel? Didn’t you think about the evil that some men do? What am I supposed to do? How do you expect me to protect myself when the stronger vessel is abusing me!?” There are scumbags who take full advantage of this. Instead of protecting the “weaker vessels” they abuse them because they feel like they can.

There were moments that would constantly remind me of my childhood traumas, and it would trigger me. Everytime this would happen, a surplus of anger would erupt, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I was broken. I felt broken, and I thought, “Who the hell would ever love me? I’ve lost all trust in humanity. If a fake ass father-figure-wannabe-mentor can destroy me, then anyone can at this point, right? What man wants a woman like me who has been broken down since childhood?” I felt unlovable, therefore I thought God had forsaken me. The vices that come with coping with the pain of past traumas can make you feel unworthy of God, and it sure doesn’t help when you have religious spirits pointing fingers at you telling you that you’re gonna go to hell for dealing with the aftermath of all that trauma that has broken your brain, heart, and spirit. My cynical view of mankind along with past traumas made me contemplate suicide because my spirit was broken into pieces. I felt like I was only put in this world to be abused because I am the “weaker vessel,” but this warrior spirit within me would ignite. I was born to fight. That is what makes me feel alive.

Some people say that God doesn’t speak to women. Well, I don’t know who else could’ve spoken to me in my dreams and visions that led me to peace and healing. It sure as hell wasn’t the devil! Whoever that was, it certainly did guide me throughout my spiritual journey, and I obeyed the voice of wisdom like a soldier would to a general giving orders. Obedience to wisdom is key to growth, and I was willing to go through difficulties and challenges that went against my flesh and carnal desires. I certainly was not perfect, but I was diligent and persistent enough to not give up. The more I overcame, the more I learned to love myself. My heart was observed, and every time it would break, it would get restored by the divine light that penetrated through my temple. They say “God doesn’t speak to women” yet according to the Bible, Deborah was a judge, poet, and military general who was anointed and appointed to that position. How do you think she was able to reach a rightful verdict and make righteous judgements? She certainly was no fool. She was definitely a wise, creative, courageous, and intelligent woman. If anything, gender discrimination is a man-made concept meant to divide us. God wants all of us to evolve and ascend, and that is where you will receive the purest form of love.

I RAN AWAY BUT GOD WOULD STILL FIND ME

I kept running away from God thinking I would never be good enough, only to run right into Him again and again. No matter how far I tried to get away from my purpose, it would always find me and remind me to get going. So here I am writing these words that would lift my spirit back up. I’ve gathered the courage to be transparent, in hopes that it can incite a spark of inspiration within you. I’m not worried about showing my weaknesses because I have turned them into strengths, and I want you to know how far I’ve come in this healing journey. People can deny me and gossip all they want, my main concern is that these seeds of encouragement can reach the right people who need it, so that it can give you hope for a healthier life. Always remember that for as long as you’re still breathing, it’s never too late to heal and rebuild that connection with God. If God really didn’t think we were good enough, there would be no Yashua, and you already know that He has ARISEN.

Gloria a Yahawa que nos trai el agua.